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| 11:23am 03/07/2007 |
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mood:  drained music: sidewalks-story of the year
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sooo I havnt updated this since i first moved to Camden....
basically the stay here has been the worse experience of my life... but at the same time I have learned more here then I could ahve learned in my entire life back home. the house started off with Me, Alicia, Ruthanne, Kyle, Joel, David and Chris. we lost Kyle, joel, chris and David but gained Tisha and Kraig. as much as the people hre drive me nuts there deffintly my family. we've been through everything together. I'm only here for another 2 months. I cant even imagin what will happen. but i take it a day at a time.
when I first moved to Camden I missed home soo much, and i still do. I had a boyfriend named mike who did everything for me and was great. but when I moved up to Camden and couldnt see him as much I became friends with some Camden boys. I went to some pretty sweet parties and I had a really good time. I even met a boy and after time, we became really close. we could telk to each other about everything and we always had a tone of fun. I barely had anytime to even talk to my old friends. Mike and I broke up eventually. I didnt really have the time and I was out partying all the time. I always had a hard time makeing the responcible decitions and the "not-so-responcible-but-fuck-it" type decitions. I kinda got together with this kid from Camden. we had our fun and all but he wasent the best choice for me and I knew it. It took some time to grow up and out of a hole that i am still in, but im akeing my way out. I put all the drama in the hosue beside me, got back with Mike, got my shit done and things are deffently running alot easier then they were.
I come home for a week tomorrow. yessss.
I probably wont write in this again untill after september when I graduate cause im sooo busy.
Wipe the tears from your eyes
Keep believeing that you'll survive
and never die and never die alone.. |
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| Camden |
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| 01:26pm 17/04/2007 |
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So I live in Camden now.
It's not as bad as I thought it would be
but its still pretty shitty.
I have a new friend up here named Alicia.
I'm happy she's here cause other wise I would ahve left.
The rules here are pretty gay too.
I want to be home sooo abd though,
I feel like I'm missing out on soo much.
and I miss my friends sooo bad.
and I havent gotten drunk in over a week.
gayyyy.
I've been a total bitch to everyone lately
like worse then before.
and all the local Camden people dont like me.
and I've been getting shit
I dont care though.
I'm from south portland and will live there forever.
I miss my boyfriend too
this sucks that as soon as I get a boyfriend
I have to leave.
fuckin gayyy.
Peaccce. |
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| 06:38pm 30/03/2007 |
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K so emo time...
so this is actually it.
I'm leaving in a week and 3 days.
my stupid and having zero responcability days have come to an end.I am going to actually have an edgucation. I'm doing things that none of my family or friends ever thought I could do. I have had zero help or motavation with my future and I'm so excited to be able to say I did it all on my own with no one elses help. I can finally say i did somthing usefull in my life and turned every dark cloud in the sky away. No one can even believe I'm doing this and I made it this far. theres only one obsticle left, one more horrible turn I must make to come out alright, and be able to shame my parents and prove them wrong and that I'm usefull and will make something better for my self and my future family then they ever could...
My one last horrible turn in moving to Camden for 6 months to attend a community school to get my high school deploma.
I want it so bad just to rub it in people faces. but what if everyones right? what If im not ment to be anyone special and im just gonna turn out like my parents. whats the point of wasteing 6 months of my prime years which may not even work. I could fail or get kicked out. and I dont think I can leave my friends and home behind. I have some great people in my life that i just dont think i can up and leave like this. and to make everything a billion times worse I just got a new boyfriend named Mike who I really like alot, even my friends all love him and claim hes the only "normal" person I've been with. and going away for 6 months really scares me about how our relationship will work. I'm hopeing that maybe 6 months isent that long and it will fly by and I will return to everyone I love just how it is now....
other then the small fact that I will finally have my shit together and no one can tell me other wise.
I dont think people even realize how hard this is for me to leave. I have my heart set in this area around all my friends. I have barely slept even less then I usually do because I'm afaid to lay down in my bed and star thinking about all the horrible things that could happen while I'm gone.
this last week is gonna be stressful and sad. I expect a lot of tears even from myself. |
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| 08:36pm 06/03/2007 |
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you all have one month to see and remember how I am.
because after that i will never be the same again.
I miss myself already. |
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| 09:15pm 11/02/2007 |
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okay so I am now on probation and getting drgs tested.
yeah I'm fucked.
all because of my pshycotic mothers lies. but whatever I'm done.
I also found out my mom has been reading my livejournal and my myspace.
thats my my myspace is now private and I know my mom is reading this soooo...
FUCK YOU MOM! i HOPE YOU DO FUCKING SHOW THE COURT THIS! YOU HAVE BEEN DISOWNED BY ME PERINITLY. DONT EVER TRY TO CALL ME BECAUSE YOU WILL BE HUNG UP ON. SOON YOU WILL BE LEAGALLY DIMISSED AS MY MOTHER. YOU WANNA ACT LIKE A LITTLE GIRL, I'LL TREAT YOU LIKE ONE. YOU LOST YOUR DAUGHTER, END OF STORY. DONT EVER EVEN LET MY NAME SLIP OUT OF YOUR MOUTH UNLESS YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT BEING ASHAMED IN OURSELF. I DONT EVEN WANT A PHONE CALL WHEN YOU DIE. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE CAUSE I AM FINALLY HAPPY AND I'M GONNA MAKE IT IN LIFE. FUCK YOU. I HOPE YOU DIE.LEAVE ME AALONE!!!!!!!
You're a fuckin' coke-head slut, I hope you fuckin' die
I hope you get to hell and Satan sticks a needle in your eye
I hate your fuckin' guts, you fuckin' slut, I hope you die
Die
But please don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter or mad
It's not that I still love you, it's not 'cause I want you back
It's just that when I think of you, it makes me wanna
Yack
What else can I do, I haven't got a clue
Now I guess I'll just move on, I have no choice but to
But every time I think of you now, I'll I wanna do
Is puke
You don't know how sick you make me
You make me fuckin' sick to my stomach
Every time I think of you, I puke
You must just not know
You may not think you do, but you do
Every time I think of you, I puke
Fuckin' bitch |
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| 07:34am 02/02/2007 |
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So it's true...God really doesn't want me to be happy.
I found this out because everytime something good happends, and I saw I'm so happy and thankful this happend, It gets takin away. just Wensday night I was telling everyone how my life could not get any btter at that point and everything was going soooo good. then in one day everything dies. I'm just not gonna talk anymore or think. My mouth gets me in a lot of trouble and my thoughts just make me unhappy.
guys suck. I should be lezbien.
I had court yesturday and I'm on my way to court now. It really sucks having your entire family testify against you. and not having a voice what so ever. and I have to work all weekend and close every night. and next week im closing 5 nights. ughhh.
But now when I have to close I dont have to drive all the way back to sopo. I stay with my friends Stippo and a bunch of other kids and we have a good time.
I watched Titanic yesturday. and it sounds weird but I relate to Rose Rippiear/Dosin (spelling?) more then anyone else. how she thinks and talks. and how she says "she was standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of her lungs, and no one even looked up". that line is deffintly about me... and how when she finally finds something that truly makes her happy and shes in love, It dies.
time for court. Yay!
bye. |
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| 01:03am 27/01/2007 |
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All’s fair in love and war... |
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| 11:13pm 04/01/2007 |
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*KT has not been sober for a while now
*KT has been quite and shy lately and doesn't unstand why
*KT has not slept in well over a week.
*KT got a new job as a hair salon receptionist
*KT is still at mcdonalds
*KT had a decent Christmas and New Years
*KT cannot talk to her mom or I go to jail
*KT offiially has no mother cause she refuses to ever see or spek with her again
*KT has money
*KT has new cloths
*KT got new CD's
*KT has huggggggeeee boy problems
*KT does NOT want a boyfriend
*KT is still on temporary probation
*KT has new pics on her myspace
*KT officially dropped out of high school
*KT has not been herself lately
*KT's confidence has died tremendosly
*KT hopes her fuckin doctor gives her meds back
*KT is sick of this shit. |
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| yepp |
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| 12:01am 27/12/2006 |
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Yepp. Life is good.
I'm just gonna keep keep telling myself that.
Maybe it will come true.
I have changed my vision around to only seeing what I have. instead of what I dont have. I am soooo sick of people pittying me. Yes I was homeless and on the streets for a bit. Yes my mother is trying to throw me in Jail out of jelousy and rediculous shit. life aint perfect. but I'm gonna ignor the thinks I cant do anything about and fix the things I can.
this fake smile thing seems to be working out and people are believing it. so its all good.
My friends are awesome. screw my family. my friends ARE my family. I can honistly say I wouldn't be here if it wasent for them. I'm so thankfull.
Christmas was okay.. for christmas... It truly is my most hated holiday... something terribly wrong always happen and I am the least family oriented person ever so a holiday based on spending time with people you hate and hate you... sucks.
I spent tons of money that I didn't have on people. I got a lot of nice things though. too bad I coundn't spend time or even talk with half my family at the risk of going to jail over a simple phone call. but I got to see my friends. and we had a good time.
thats it. emo rants over. peace. |
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| update |
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| 01:59am 09/12/2006 |
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so life is bullshit. and shit happends.
so I have been living in a shelter for three weeks and they kicked me out. I am trying to get into the TLP (apartment buildings in Lewiston) My new bestest friend in the whole worlds name is Elizabeth and I miss her ass like crazyyy.
So I went back to live at Jess's. Partents didn't care. then all of a sudden police were called and they came over to Jess's. I was grochrie shopping. but when I got back my dad came and got me took me home and there were the police. they handcuffed me and took me to the hospitul. fuckin shittty. after sitting in the pshycoward for 4 hours they came to the conclusion that I am not fucked up and pshyco my parents are just fucking idiots (go figure) so I went home to my dads. went to school the next day and things are pretty much normal. I gotta find a place to live that is acceptable to DHS and my parents. Fuck.
I am dropping out of high school very soon, and probbaly in April moving to Camden Maine for 6 months to the Camden Community School to get my deploma. I miss chillin with my sopo friends soo much. things arnt the same cause I've been gone for a while now. it really fucking sucks too. shit happends.
I hate it when there is something in my life that I can do nothing about but wish and would do anything if I could. it makes me so sad. I hope one day things turn out okay. I ahve a feeling it will. but I'm so scared for this person right now. and it kills me that I even still care. and it scares me that I actually have an emotion, expecially since I have been out of my mind and emotionless for a while now. Shit has hit me pretty hard.
see what being sober for 48 hours can do to you. its fucking amazing.
not that I quit. just havent done anything. and I actually for the first time in forever sat down and cried. cried about my life and my loses. things I didn't and mentally cound't give a fuck about before. it felt kind of good to be back in my own head.
wont last long.
and the scareyest thing is...
I think I am only trying to be just like you... |
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| 01:01pm 15/11/2006 |
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apologies now for emoness...
life has really sucked lately. I hate it. I complaining too but i think its about time I do. so like a week and a half ago my dad booted me out. so I went to live with Jess in her apartment with Iaiden. It was a pretty sweet week. partied way too hard every night, still got up for school, I dont think I slept at all. a lotta crazy shit happend lol. but meanwile all my really good friends that I had hung out with everysingle day before I moved into Jess's apartment had stoped hanging out with me and wouldn't come to the apartment cause they said it was a crack house. now everytime I see them or hang out with them there just so mean and dont act the same. I would'nt be complaining if it was just harmless riping on Kt. but it has really gotten out of hand and its like I don't even matter. I hate loseing best friends.
last Thursday night Jess decided to kick me out. that was pretty shitty. so now I have no choice but to be living all the way in east-bum-fuck north yarmouth with my fucked up mother. I got my job back at mcdonalds on weekends in Freeport. I've been talking to my dad a little bit and I hopefull can go back and live with him. on monday I got sick and I have had a 103.4 temperaturefor the past 3 days. it really sucks. Jess also called me yesturday and said I could come back. I dont knwo what i'm gonna do. still my best friends have no tried to contact me to see where I'm living and why I havent been in school.
I dont know where I'm gonna be next. I really feel like I am way too young to be worried everyday about where I'm gonna sleep and how I'm gonna get to school and what to eat and everything else.
also, boys are a waste of time. I dont have the emotional capacity to ever have a boyfriend again.and I wont. I dont want one. I want to be single forever and ever. if I get lonely and horny I will hit it and quit it with no emotional attachment whatsoever. I just am so sick of bullshit and I'm gonna keep myself as far away from it as possible.
I hate being sick, I hate being in North Yarmouth, I hate my mother, I hate my so called "best friends", I hate boys, I hate being such an emo-fuck.
once agai |
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| 09:41pm 06/11/2006 |
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soooo, I got booted from my dads house. it sucked at first cause I thought I would have no where to go but i moved in with a friend. we like having people over to visit so gimme a call if you would like to partyyy.
im stress out right now but i think im gonna be happy soon as soon as the bullshit goes away. I am suspended tomorrow for absolutly nothing! whatever, gives me time to move in. lol.
I need to find a job. i should get one tomorrow.
My dads a fuckign asshole, I cant believe he flipped out at me and actually booted me, this is rediculous. bnut whatever, cause now im stayin in a chill place.
thats about it. |
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| Grandparents... |
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| 10:41am 15/10/2006 |
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Shit been going down baly lately. I am pretty much sure about dropping out of school and getting my GED and going straight to Cosmetology school. High school is holding me back. everyone wants me to get my deploma and pushing me too, but theres no desire in me to actually do it. I have my hopes and dreams and I would rather start them now that in 3 more fucking years of high school drama.
Both my grand Parents are in the Hospitul. my grandmother went in a little while ago because her main artery is cloged. then the fucking hospitul let her fall and break her hip. Grandma is starting to age, after 80 something years the grandmother that I have always had and acted younger then me, is finally going down. everyone is telling me it wont be long. to me thats fucking bullshit. that woman is the most invincable person I know. she will never die. expecially before me. I dont care how old she gets, it's impossible. I couldn't even stand walking into the hospitul and seeing her sick in bed like that. It just about killed every spirit I had. I just can't even imagin life with out her. I knwo everyones garndparent die, and I'm not the only person to go through this. But unless you know Marie Brown you would know that she is the greatist woman on earth and wont ever leave me.
My grandfather... hes been going slowly because of his Alzheimers. He doesn't know who anyone is anymore. hes been in a nursing home. I have kind of gotten use to him not being around. He went into the hospitul yesturday cause he stoped breathing. he has amonia and that means there is nothing we can do and he is gonna go. we agreed to not feed him and not give him fluids and no Antibiodics, cause thats what he wanted, and it would be just pro-longing what was coming. I spent the full day yesturday by my sleeping grandfathers side just crying. our whole family is so fucked up and there all I have left. but not anymore. he started to wake up but he couldn't move his eyes. he actually held me hand too. That man has been the father figure to my entire fucked up family. my brothers were there just as upset as I was. Pa has taught us more about life then anything. just thinking about our memories back when Chelsea and I were so young, how he gave us a dollar every day and we thought it was soooo much, whenever he mowed the lawn he hitched up a trailer and we would go for a "tractor ride", He drove us around everywhere, he taught our entire family how to play, and LOVE cribbage. I refuse to even look at a cribbage board after hes gone. I have the best grandparents in the world. I'm so numb to it all right now cause it feel like it could never happen. I don't know what I'm gonna do when all this hits me and their gone... one of our most favorite memories about Pa was the songs he always sang. so before I left last night we sang his old songs like "Old Man River" and "Put Your Shoes on Lucy"... and just before I left He woke up just long enough to open his eyes and say "Son-of-a-gun" and go back to sleep. his last words, and his most over used phrase when we were younger. I love you grandma and Pa. I don't know what I am ever going to do with out you.
Life goes on... |
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| 11:52pm 11/10/2006 |
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soooooo
quick update.
South Portland is still awesome.
well, my friends anyways.
I almost got suspended today,
but the principal didnt feel like dealing with me
and PATHS might be kicking me out for my new lip ring
fuck them.
Dunkin donuts fired me too cause of my piercings
GAY!
I don't even have many but its made into a hugge deal.
where the fuck can I work
or go to school that will except piercings?
cause I honistly don't know.
I should be able to do what I want with my body
you can have your opinions about whether you like it or not
but you shouldn't be able to exclude me from things
because if it.
I'm fucking pissed.
Mr. Roy and Mr. Williams should probably just
go die in a fucking hole. thats about all thats happend thats new
I hang out with Nick like everynight.
I can't wait for the next show.
I am NOT getting along with my family,
but when do I?
confusion is the worst feeling,
and it seems to always be my most dominating mood.
it's kinda shitty.
peace. |
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| yepp |
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| 09:38pm 27/09/2006 |
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Sooooo....
I fucking love South Portland.
And my ghetto Nightville
that I live in cause the people here are "D's" heheh
I could never leave here.
I Love Melinda.
and all the rest of my homies.
I have having too much fun lately
I don't even deserve it.
But I need sleep baddd.
good-nightt<3 |
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| update |
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| 01:48pm 10/09/2006 |
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Being a girl suckkks... when you like some guy you cant just go up and hit on them cause its considered wrong for a girl to do that. But it really sucks when the guy you like is kinda shy and you want him to make a move and its sometimes like he almost does, but doesnt fallow through. I feel like a kid again with a little girl crush. I really like this feeling though, and I do hope something good comes outta this little crush, but who knows, and I dont wanna jinx it.
So school has started and actually it is not bad at all! I cannot believe I just said that cause it is for sure the first time in my life lol. I only have two classes a day (which sucks) but then I go to PATHS with my girly Melinda and it goes by so fast and we just sit and talk the whole time. I fucking love it.
Being the new girl has of corse been hard since last year, and now all my senior friends left which was all I had. But I'm happy Melinda is here cause we just hung out together all the time and finally the school is starting to notice us new kids. this weekend has been sooooo awesome. we've met a lot of people lately and we always have sooo much fun. our new friends are awesome.
Yesturday was kinda shitty, I was throwing a hugge south Prtland party at my crib! it was gonna be sooo awesome I and I more excited then ever, but then people started to arrive and my neighbors saw some people come into my house with beer and called my dad so our awesome party crashed before it got started. fuck.
the last week of summer was reallyy hard for me. sooo much bullshit went down between my mom and then my dad and Cy and I broke up and all that bullshit. But I have to give the biggest thanks to all my amazing friends. I have great guy friends too that I love dearly but nothing means mroe to me then my girlys. most of them I know I havent known long because I just moved here but they already have done soooo much for me.
Melinda-is just the best friend I could ask for and I'm soooo happy we got so close. we hang out every day now and I lovve it.
Mandi-of corse was my first friend when I moved here and even though there is always drama in our lives I have such a good connection with her that could never change.
Linzy-She has tought me more about life then anyone I have ever talked too. she is probably the most wisest person I know. She lets me know when I'm doing something stupid and shouldnt be and she sends me in the right direction. if I needed someone to save my life I know she would do it.
Chelsea C.- even though she has gotten into a lotta shit and isent the same girl I loved for a long time, I will always have love for her just because of all we've been through. and I'm happy she moved to South Prtland with me. hopefully she stays outta trouble.
Jess-I havent known her for long, and how we met is kinda fucked up. but I'm sooo happy we did and the whole time we were haning out before she went to Germany was awesome. She has been there for me and listen to me whine about stupid shit and helped me through a lot. I miss her sooo much. I cant wait for them to get there asses back here.
Chelsea G.-well, shes my cousin so she is more then just one of my friends, we share blood and nothing, no matter what happends can ever take that away. I have known her longer than any one and she has probably been there for me more then anyone. she is the best cousin I could ask for. and we really need to chill soon.
I know I'm forgetting people, but all them are most important. |
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| school |
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| 10:42pm 04/09/2006 |
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sooo, school starts tomorrow. yay. not. I'm gonna miss all my old friends sooo much. going to school with out Mandi, Sam and Megan is gonna be weird. I miss them all like crazy. I still have Melinda, and chris, and Chelsea moved here. and of corse Linzers. But I'll miss those girls that invited the poor new girl to sit with them at lunch her first day lol.
I wish I could have one relationship that made it through the summer and pass it. the past 4 summers of my life I would have a boyfriend and things would be fine, then just as summer was ending it would be over for one reason or another. I really thought Cy was gonna be more then just a summer romance. I gave my life to that boy and for a reason I dont even know about its over. I was terrible devestated for the past weeek. then this weekend that all changed when I saw a side of him that I had never seen, I had never heard someone talk to me that way, expecially right after they had promised me the rest of there life. I dont get it, but after that I'm over it. we had a good time but if hes not man enough to tell me what happend or anything... well, I dont wanna be with a little boy. And its sad cause I know in a week, a month, maybe a year he will fucking come back again. this time I dont care how much he has grown up, I need someone who is a little more grown up. But I will admit it, he broke my heart, I'm not ashamed I'm just dissapointed cause there are not that many people I let in.
I guess no matter how hard I try I will always be a sad little emo kid. Sorry about the rant. I doubt anyone reads these anyways. goodnight. |
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| 11:45am 02/09/2006 |
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Last night was horrible, I hope I never get spoken to like that again... |
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| .... |
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| 09:33pm 29/08/2006 |
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Soo, I guess the perfect relationship isent always perfect, and the 'Always and forever' doesnt really mean forever. Cy and I broke up. I am not a hundred precent sure why, but we did. well actually, he says, "were takeing a break". And if I didnt have so much other bullshit to deal with I would greeve over this more, but I just dont even have the energy to spend another emotion of mine on anything. I'm sooo tired, I'm takeing on way to many things at once. I seriously have barely cried over this situation or even givin it much thought. I cant, my head is too full right now. I'm confused about it all, and how a week before we broke up we were promiseing each other to spend the rest of our lives together and telling each other how we love no one more and all that shit. so when we broke up I was just kinda in shock, then realized I'm glad this happend now before I fell too much more. who knows what he is really thinking, but I know what I'm thinking... fucking relieved, as much as I lvoe Cy with all my heart, I couldnt trust him for shit, and honistly, I'm like already over it. sure I miss him. but I have a brand new school with brand new ppl that I pushed them all away for him, I have giving that kid wayy mroe then he deserves and I almost feel relieved.... Cy and I are still friends, we hung out yesturday. it was weird and our conversation are weird too so I dont know whats going to happen in our future... I'm not even sure what I want and I dont think he is either. so im just takeing a day at a time and seeing what happends...
I spent the night at my moms house the other night for gay reasons. I got a bunch of stuff from her and from the house. as much as she is a pshyco bitch.. I need some sort of a mother in my life, even if most the time she sucks.
I got a job at Dunkin Donuts. yay for money.
school starts in a week. Fuckkkkkk.
bye. |
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| 04:09pm 17/08/2006 |
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Okay well I dont have wrong to update, I'm about to go up to my camp untill atleast Sunday.
I just spent four amazing days with Cyrus in New Hampshire with his family. I had such a good time just being able to be with him all the time any time during the day. wakeing up every morning wayyy to early and climbing into bed with him, Fun walks to the store on the railroad tracks, Swimming, lots of walking, and just chilling. I love that boy with all my heart forever.
now I got one day to sleep at my house and I'm going to my camp for a few days. I miss Cy so much already. I hope I can see him on Sunday or something. I think I might be going to Germany for a couple weeks to visit Josh and Jess. They'll pay for me and everything! I've never been across and ocean like that and I miss them fucks like hell. so it will be pretty sweet to see them again.
I really dont wanna go up to my camp. I wanna hang out with Mandi and Linzy since I havent seen them for a few days, but its still gonna be a while before I get too.
Everything in my life is just fine. my mother kept calling me while I was with Cy so he picked up and was like "so I hear you have your marridge licence and can marry people, well I was wondering if you would marry Kt and I" It was the funniest thing ever. I bet my mom is still crying after hearing that. cunt.
so I better get going. bye. |
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mysexslikewoah's journal